The last 36 months have been very difficult for me. I am only writing about this now because I have lately I have been moving from the wilderness to the ocean-side; from the bitter place to the better place. The sunset has completed, and now the sunrise is again upon me.
But when I went through a difficult place, starting about 18 months ago, I was surprised by how many of those who had been my friends walked out and left me all alone to face the storm. Now before one thinks that this piece is a “ode to self-pity”, please understand that for the most part, I realize I caused my own storm. Through my own wrong choices, I understand that I summoned the sunset; I hailed the hurricane; I called for the cyclone; I invoked my own personal wilderness. I get that. But what I did not expect was that people who had been so close to me; people who had communicated their love and friendship again and again would so suddenly and completely walk away.
So, I ended up in a place of great despair. Having so easily dismantled the life I had built by my own poor choices, and having so quickly lost what I thought were “friendships for life”, the despair crept in almost overwhelmingly. Life began to lose its meaning and value, and the prospect of another 70 years “like this” seemed to be more than I could bear. Ending my own life; suicide, became my sole waking thought. To me, it seemed a sort of self-euthanasia to relieve myself and others of the burden of having to deal with me. Many times, I came close to ending what little life I had.
Then softly and gently, like a whisper heard in the midst of the din of hustle and bustle of life, people began to come into my life and invade my space with their warmth & kindness. At first, I was very skeptical and almost aloof from them, because I expected that their outreach to me had an ulterior motive or an agenda to end at a certain point. But through their consistency, their care, and their courage, they made the point that to them, I was worth something and worth fighting for. I can honestly say that because of these 8-10 people, I am still alive. Without them, I could not see my worth and would have never been able to navigate out of the black hole I was in.
The good news is that I am out of the black hole now. And I came out, not just because of an instinct to survive, but because of the instinct of these friends to reach out and touch someone who desperately needed it.
Here are a few things I have learned, and these things I intend to apply in my friendships and interactions with people:
1) - The Love & Loyalty Of A Friend Helps You Remember Your Own Worth – Gail Sheehy said that, “By listening, by caring, by playing you back to yourself, friends ratify your better instincts and endorse your unique worth. Friends validate you.” How many of us need validation. I know that when I lost everything: career, finances, relationships and acquaintances, I also lost my sense of personal worth and value. I felt like I was nothing, had nothing, and was about to accomplish… nothing. Then along came my friends who saw the good in me, however obscure and hidden, and they reminded me of my intrinsic worth and value. Every human being, no matter who they are or where they have been, has worth and value. Jesus, the founder of the Christian religion, of which I am a part, was especially strong about this. No matter what a person had done or where they had been, he expressed and communicated value and worth. Think with me of the mobster Matthew, who became a disciple, or the prostitute Mary Magdalene, who became a saint, or the extortionist Zaccheus, who became an honored friend, or the back-strabber Peter who became a Rock upon which the early church was founded. Need I go on? Isaiah, in writing about Jesus, in chapter 42, commented that, “A bruised reed He will not break, and smoking flax He will not quench…” Another translation of this same passage makes it even clearer: “He will not crush those who are weak or quench the smallest hope…” How many weak and wounded and fallen people have been crushed in church, their tiny hopes and dreams quenched under the relentless glare of modern-day Pharisees who know better than everyone else? I shudder to think of the karma/judgment/sowing and reaping that awaits those like this…
John Powell said that, “Human beings, like plants, grow in the soil of acceptance, not in the atmosphere of rejection.” If we actually want people to grow, we must love and accept them. I resolve to do this in my own relationships.
2) - The Love & Loyalty Of A Friend Helps You Remember What Is Worth Living For – When I initially lost my friendships, I forgot about what in my life was worth living for. My family, my life mission, and my personal identity were all veiled under the pain of my loneliness and despair. I could see nothing of value and worth in my life to live for. But, the light of the acceptance of my friends shined a light not only on my personal value, but on the things in my life worth living for. My family became important again, my life mission to love God and love people, and my personal identity again could come to the surface. Helen Keller said this: “Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.” How true this is! It is my resolution to expose, not only the worth and value of human beings, but what is worthwhile and valuable in their lives so they can live for that!
3) - The Love & Loyalty Of A Friend Helps You Remember The Worth Of Others - You know what? When I do not see my own worth, how can I see the worth of others? There is wisdom in the saying that we should love our neighbors as we love ourselves, because it helps us to see that if many of us loved those around us as we love ourselves, we would not have many loved people around us! When you see your worth, you can see the worth of others, and seeing THAT, you can truly salve their wounds, nurture their identity, strengthen their personal boundaries, and expose their potential. I resolve to do this because there is no greater legacy truth that the fact that I make a living from what I get, but a I life from what I give…
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